Losing patience / losing patients

Posted on August 9, 2017 Updated on August 18, 2017

On July 27, my physical therapist M1 (a pseudonym, even though that would be a rockstar name) was massaging my shoulders and neck as part of my rotator cuff treatment when he said,

You are a beautiful woman.

I said, “Thank you.”

He said,

Relax.

I had immediately tensed up because I don’t want my therapist commenting on my appearance while he’s rubbing my shoulders and neck.

I provide the context because the context matters. If I had just walked into the office and I was dressed up, his comment would have been welcome. If I had been chatting about feeling ugly and he had been responding, his comment would have been welcome. But he was doing professional work while touching my body in an intimate way when he said something about my appearance out of the blue. He was crossing a line.

I asked for advice on Facebook:

The responses were excellent and varied. A couple people wondered if I would’ve felt as uncomfortable if the therapist had been female. While that is hard to answer definitively, I think I would’ve felt uncomfortable. Why comment on my appearance out of the blue with your hands rubbing my shoulders and neck? If you’re thinking about what I look like in that situation, I really don’t want to know that no matter what your gender.

Several people said to seek another physical therapist because I shouldn’t be uncomfortable while being treated. Some people said to tell M1 directly (with lots of thoughtful advice about how to have such a conversation), and others said to report him.

My instinct is to tell the person directly, but my friends’ responses made me think twice. Some friends in the medical field pointed out that anyone with training would know better than to make such a comment, and more than one person said my job is to get better, not to fix this therapist’s behavior—that’s a role for his supervisor. I appreciated that because sometimes I do play the martyr role, and that’s both obnoxious and unhealthy.

Lesson 1: When you ask Facebook friends for advice and you happen to know a lot of smart and thoughtful people, you have a good chance of receiving excellent advice.

I decided to call the office and explain the situation, asking that M1 the physical therapist be spoken to, and then I would move on to a new physical therapy office.

What actually happened? I was on vacation for a week and kept intending to call, but I never actually did. So it was Friday 8/5 at 4:30pm, and my next appointment was for Monday 8/7 at 7:40am, and I decided I’d just go to the appointment and deal.

I was a little bit annoyed with myself, but I was also already planning on blogging about how difficult it is to confront issues. It’s so much easier to just go along with things. I don’t think that makes me or anyone else a horrible person; it just makes us human.

Lesson 2: Even when we think of ourselves as feminists and activists, our intentions may be far better than our actions.

Monday arrived and I went to my appointment, and my physical therapist was not there. I overheard someone say that some physical ailment was keeping M1 away from work. Another therapist, M2 (another rockstar pseudonym), ended up working with me, and it all went well.

During my entire time on Monday, I kept thinking about how I might talk to the supervisory person M1 had pointed out to me a couple weeks prior. But she was with a patient behind a curtain for most of my time there. When I was leaving, I thought I’d ask the receptionist if I could talk with the supervisor, but people kept coming in and the phone was ringing, so I still didn’t do anything. I left.

I probably should’ve called Monday afternoon, but the day was busy. Do you see how difficult it is to prioritize a conversation you really don’t want to have? a conversation that I really shouldn’t have to have??

But I finally did it. Yesterday, Tuesday 8/8, I called the office. It turns out the office is closed on Tuesdays, so I left a message cancelling my appointment for this morning, 8/9, and asking that a supervisor or manager call me.

I got a call back this morning. I spoke with M2, the physical therapist I had worked with on Monday, who said he was the appropriate person to talk to about a complaint. I told him about what happened, and I told him how it made me feel, and I asked if he would say something to M1 about the situation. He said he would, and he made two comments in response to me, and he repeated these comments at two different points:

I’m sorry you felt that way.

A response that is a horrible response because it’s not a real apology for M1 being inappropriate at all. Instead, it puts the burden on me and my “feelings.”

And he said:

I’m sure he didn’t intend anything. It was just a compliment.

And that is also a horrible response because he’s excusing away an unprofessional behavior.

An appropriate response would be,

I’m sorry he said that to you, even if he didn’t mean to make you feel uncomfortable. I will speak to him so that he understands that certain comments are not appropriate in a professional setting.

So now I’m going to find someone else who supervises that office to talk to. Because M2 gave me an ignorant and unhelpful response. M1 may be the direct and immediate problem, but M2 is also the problem. If you don’t understand that there are times and places when it is inappropriate to comment on a person’s appearance, then you need to wake the fuck up.

I’m not policing all compliments in all settings and situations, for the love of god. I’m saying that if you’re thinking about my appearance while providing me with medical treatment, you ought to be keeping those thoughts to yourself where they won’t affect me. And I don’t care if you don’t completely understand how people can feel uncomfortable with “compliments” in certain circumstances because you’ve never been objectified or sexually assaulted or harassed; behaving appropriately doesn’t require 100% understanding. It just requires a little bit of goddamn respect.

Lesson 3: I don’t have much. I’m mad. I’m losing patience. But if you’re reading this and you are ever in the position of M1 or M2, I hope you behave far better than they did. Because this bullshit is not fun and should not be necessary for me or any patient.

Update: I spoke with an office manager of the larger practice. She understood. She will speak with the men about the situation. I feel much better.