disturbed

I live in metaphors

BEEP BEEP BEEP 
at maybe 5am
waking me 
the three smoke detectors upstairs screaming to one another 
while I lay burrowed in blankets after too little sleep 
from one thing or another having gone wrong the night before 

The screaming ceases almost as soon as it begins
I close my eyes  
think maybe that was a fluke 
realize in two shakes of a lamb’s tale that 
it’s more than a fluke because 
they speak again
but then 

blessed silence and 

I snuggle back in ahhhh 
and minutes until the next screaming bursts 
two three do I need to get up then 
silence 

and hope and warmth nestled in and 
again THE SCREAMING 
THE SCREAMING SO LOUD 
do I need to get up will it 
stop will it just 
stop do I have to 
move and 
silence 

there’s no fire, 
no one affected by the noise but me. 
but I eventually give in to the situation,
venture from warm bed into cold house 
pull a chair from one bedroom 
into another bedroom 
climb up pull the battery 
out put it in again because 
it’s a new battery so that’s 
not the problem and grab 
another chair for the hallway 
detector do the same and 
eventually crawl back 
into bed where I 

think about my tendency to 
operate on hope for 
a good long while when 
I’m comfortable and would really 
prefer not to give up that place of 
comfort when no one else is 
affected by the intermittent 
SCREAMING that is not 
comfortable at all. 

How long does it take for me to believe
a problem will not go away on its own 

to get up
to deal with it
to make the screaming stop 

And how long will it take
for me to feel good again
when this morning feels terrible 

Even though I slept well from 11:30 to 5:00
and overall
have an amazingly wonderful life 
How long 

***

I wrote that yesterday morning. I was SO cranky yesterday morning! But I felt better by the time lunch came around. So that’s how long it took to feel good again! lol

When I wrote the poem I was thinking about how I have a great capacity for ignoring the things that are problematic in dating relationships because it’s so inconvenient. It’s much easier to let them blow over and enjoy the good parts of the relationship, and I tend to operate too much on hope, as in, “I hope things will eventually get better” or “I hope the other person follows through on what we’ve talked about.” I’m trying to retrain my brain to pay attention to what’s actually happening instead of ignoring issues and relying on hope.

And then as I wrote it, or maybe when I was done, I was also thinking that the metaphor can be for all kinds of things that any of us can ignore because they’re inconvenient to think about. Maybe signs that we need to visit the doctor or make better choices for our physical health, or signs of climate change, or repeated instances of injustice. How long until we rouse ourselves to action? and, when we act, how long will we be in a state of discomfort before feeling good again?

Last note. I first wrote the poem on my phone yesterday morning, and then I removed all the line breaks before copying and pasting here last night (because copying and pasting into the WordPress format with line breaks is a Bad Idea–everything gets wonky). I added in the line breaks last night and fell asleep. This morning I adjusted a little but don’t feel wholly satisfied with the writing. It’s feeling pretty drafty. But I’m sharing anyway. Blog posts are for fairly informal writing, yes? Yes.

Oh! I lied. One more note. In a recent office conversation, my team was talking about the roles each of us plays. One person noted that when I see problems, I head into them instead of avoiding them. Sometimes my problem-solving ways are inappropriate, so I’m working on listening to people vent without trying to problem solve, and I’m also not trying to solve problems that are not mine to solve. But in general, my tendency to address problems is a good thing. And I tend to be good at stuff in the workplace before I’m good at it in my personal life. I won’t put up with screaming smoke detectors going off at work because that’s a terrible work environment for everyone.

I gotta value myself in similar ways, yes? Yes.