driving still

It’s that moment when you step on the gas pedal and expect to move forward
but the engine revs
and you don’t go anywhere

Of course. Stuck.
You’re thinking mud, right?
You imagine the tires spinning, the ruts growing deeper, the dirt flying, the car growing stucker.
(Yeah, I just made up that word. Stucker.)

Or snow. Are you thinking snow?
Same picture, but lighter and whiter, with icy air keeping you inside the car’s heated warmth
and somehow you keep pressing the gas, drive, reverse, drive, rocking and praying
please please please please fucking car please please please please please fucking move.
And maybe it does. Or maybe it doesn’t.
If it doesn’t, you know what’s next. The emergency shovel you keep in the back, the frigid air, the labor and hope, the jumping back into the driver’s seat and praying as you shift into
reverse drive reverse drive
(Let’s not even think about how unlikely you are to have an emergency shovel)

But it’s okay.

Your car is not stuck or stucker in mud or in snow.
It’s the gear shift. It’s the gear shift stuck in neutral or maybe park
except you can’t unstick it. You can’t even reach it for some reason.
You kinda try, but you know it won’t work
because you are stuck in a surreal dream slash nightmare version of the world
with a logic that you all know but no one understands.
You either wait for someone else to do it, to move, so easily, into drive–
or even reverse, reverse would be lovely–
what is not lovely is the gas the rev the stillness
So. You wait.

or

you get out of the car

***
This is the third odd thing I’ve written since Monday. It feels good to write in a kinda free way, to express something in me that wants to come out, with only a soft gesture towards actually communicating.

And here’s a confession. I like to include an image with every blog post, but it’s too cold to take a pic of my car or a gear shift, so I’m just gonna skip it. Maybe I’ll edit to add a pic tomorrow.